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Squirrels may love me, but they hate most people. They belong to any one of numerous species of small rodents belonging to the order Rodentia or the genus Sciurus and several allied genera of the family Sciurid[ae]. There are over 365 species of squirrels or squirrel-like animals, which are refered to as "Squirrel-kin", "Koon Squirrels", "Squirrlie Squirrel Squirrel", or simply "Jew Whop Bastard Squirrels". Squirrels generally have a fuzzy tail, large pointy ears, and strong hind legs. Also, as a general rule of thumb, they are considered the sexiest animals you can find in a tree. They are commonly arboreal in their habits, but many species live in burrows or my bedroom. Most people incorrectly pronounce squirrel as "skwr-", while the correct pronunciation is "skwûrl".

Squirrels are the most active in late winter, when the mating season begins. The males will chase females, as well as, chase off other suitors. This ritual of chasing occurs through the trees at ninja speeds, while performing some of the most breathtaking acrobatics imaginable. If the male is unable to chase off other males, they will stand on their hind legs and display their erect penis, while concentrating. After a few seconds have passed, the penis will begin to shine with brilliant dazzling colors and let off a low growl. The other suitors will then do the same, and then the female choses the one which has the most impressive visual effects - a process called "comparing the bling". This mating season lasts until early Febuarary, but ends very quickly into the month. Squirrels are, after all, frugal creatures that realize a pointless consumer whore based holiday when they see one.

Squirrels are born in the early spring - though they can be born 38 to 42 days after any slow night on television. The average litter consists of four young, but can vary with climate, location, and how many times the female "talks back" to the male during the gestation period. A baby squirrel weighs approximately one ounce at birth, and is about one inch long. They do not have hair or teeth, and are virtually blind for the first six to eight weeks. It is in this time that they have the highest mortality rate, due to the fact that they look like a discolored clitorus with feet. Baby squirrel pelts fetch a high price on the underground pornography market, for obvious reasons.

Squirrels will after their first two months of life developed their vocal cords grow to a large enough size that they can be utilized for vocal communication using something commenly refered to as "squeek-bark-squeek-hiss speak", which is a highly versatile vocabulary consisting of barks, chucking sounds, squeals, scolding and tail flicking (which is generally taken as a sign of constipation). However, most of the meaning behind this language is missed by an animal not of the family Sciurid[ae], which leads to many false assumptions. One of the best known of these is a "loudly barking" squirrel is generally understood to mean that the birdfeeder is empty, when it actually means "This is a rather uneventful day. I would like to go and dig around in an old man's trash can to find his used condoms and then manualy insert the seamen inside said condom into his young granddaughter. Would you care to join me?"

Squirrels live to be around 60 years old, but only spend the first 8 or 9 years of their lives in their natural habitat. After this period, they tend to remove themselves from society, and embark on a journey of transcendence. Most squirrels never return from this journey, deciding to shun the capitalistic society they were born in, however, those that do return from the journey become very socially inept, but far greater lovers (after applying the proper amount of tape and lubricant). After a squirrel is killed, their soul projects into a higher layer of the astral plane, the "Squirreatta". There, they are bound to the resting place of their physical body by a translucent silver cord. This silver cord will pass through all material except for a similar cord, which some thamaturgens believe would have, in life, been their soul-mate.

Squirrels are famous for giving small school children erections and attacking drivers by playing impromptu games of "chicken" with unsuspecting motorists. They are also world renowned for their ninja-like abilities, which are too numerous to list here. Obviously, these abilities include amazing acrobatic skill, as well as a basic mastery of the arcane arts. These abilities can make them amazing lovers, especially when forced. Most impressive is their ability to bend their hind legs completely out of the way so that one can allow for deeper penetration, while some even wrap their tail around their partner for a tighter grip (which frees their arms for random blows to the ears and face, thus heightening the excitement).

Squirrels are known to enjoy anime and many strange independent films, but some martial arts films as well. Some enjoy video games, but generally only the ones where you can kill large amounts of chinks or gooks in a single stage. They also enjoy role-playing games, and tend to be the GM or ST (or whatever fucking term you use) of such games. They take great pleasure from burning stuffed animals in their fireplaces and telling jokes about dead babies and abortions - both failed and successful. Most of them bark in pleasure when they ejaculate, which happens many times a day (such as when they see an elderly woman fall off the sidewalk, or a mother slaps her child in public).

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